Chicken Run

Unashamedly stealing someone else’s material because it’s brilliant and because it actually did make me laugh out loud rather than just LOL. 

Brenda was in the fertilized egg business.

She had several hundred young ‘pullets’ to produce the eggs and ten roosters to fertilize them.

She kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Brenda’s favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning she noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all!

When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Brenda’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Brenda was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in the Auckland City Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention.

Vote carefully in the next election, you can’t always hear the bells.

Home Entertainment

Our nearest brewery Santa Fe Cerveza has brought out a lager named “Frost”.  We would like to believe that this is in honour of ourselves as fine upstanding members of the community.  A  more probable explanation is that English words are a fashionable way of selling products.  But it looks good on the kitchen table. 

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Cardboard tube middles of kitchen rolls make a great base for a multitude of kid’s creations.  The rocket and the pirate are Joni’s projects from this week.

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Danny is in superhero mode, and this shoebox was just begging to be a castle, so I attacked it with a pair of scissors.  Then I printed out a page of Mike the Knight characters and mounted them on cardboard so they’ll stand up-  Time taken; half an hour, cost; blob of glue and a page of colour printing, his response; priceless. 

I love the fact that my kids enjoy both making things and playing with the things that we have made. 

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We bought a new wardrobe for the Teen’s room.  She spent an energetic couple of hours yesterday morning shifting furniture around, discarding the second spare bed, and generally transforming the area from spare bedroom alias pigsty, into a Teen bedroom.  I think it represents an important step for her to make the space her own, probably for the first time ever.  

Joni scouts  Joni scouts 2

Scouts started for the year last week with a “Prueba de Hercules”  (Test of Hercules, I think we might have called it a mini-Olympics or something like that in England).  Joni made his own decision to start as a proper Scout this year now he is old enough at seven.  First weekend camp will be this Friday and Saturday. 

And in the blue corner

As promised I submitted all my paperwork last Monday, complete with obligatory rubber stamp, in good time for the big meeting last Thursday. 

As predicted, I had to reprint it a couple of times between handing it in and the meeting, in order to incorporate some requested insignificant changes. 

At the meeting, to which I wasn’t invited, I am told they said that my paperwork was in perfect order.  Unlike the paediatrician, who was apparently asked to produce a complete re-write.  On the strength of volume of trees sacrificed, at the meeting, the health provider accepted the case made by the parents and approved the funding for one-to-one classroom support.  So I received a text message late last Thursday evening which said “Ready for work?”  Excellent. 

The next step is meant to be a written plan agreed between myself and the classroom teacher, outlining curriculum content, adaptations, and aims and objectives.  The teacher was not able to see me on Friday, and then Monday and Tuesday were bank holidays (yes, they come in twos these days), so I was told to be at school at twelve thirty today. 

At twelve twenty I arrived, and unsure of where I was supposed to be, I came across the head teacher, who claimed to have no knowledge of who I was, or, more concerning, who the child was, or which class he was in.  She suggested I wait for the teacher to arrive.  When the teacher arrived shortly afterwards, the head appeared to recover from her amnesia.  They stood in a little row of two, and informed me that they had had a meeting this morning, at which they had decided not to start his classroom support for at least another month because they don’t want to damage relationships with the original organisation who had previously provided his support (and subsequently cut it to two hours a week without informing the parents), because the school uses that organisation to carry out other tasks on their behalf. 

I expressed surprise at this decision, and particularly that the mum hadn’t contacted me to tell me about it.  It then transpired that not only did the parents not yet know about it, but that they hadn’t been invited to the meeting, nor indeed were they aware that any meeting had been arranged.  The teacher said that she would tell the mum when she saw her tomorrow.  I said, don’t bother, I’m off to see her right now.  Which probably didn’t earn me any charm points towards the day when or if we ever do have to work in the same classroom, but I was incensed. 

The family live three blocks from the school, so I was in the grocery shop in their front room n under a minute.  “Right” said the mum, “I’m off to sort this out”, and she jumped on her motorbike and I haven’t seen her since.  The Dad, with the weary experience of too many battles fought, said “If you have something else to do today, I should go and get on with it, because nothing will happen right now.  Everyone will have a big row today, and then they’ll call a meeting for another day”.

So that’s where we are tonight, and tomorrow I need to go and find out from the family what happened next and where they are going from here.  Prayer mats at the ready. 

Somos Scouts (We are Scouts)

Everyone berates Microsoft, and there are plenty of good reasons to do so, but I have just spent the last couple of days falling in love with Windows Live Movie Maker.  If you thought you were going to remake The Titanic, then you’re in the wrong place.  But for someone with zero experience and even less patience, whose main ambition is to splice a few bits together and add some music to the back, it was absolutely totally what I was looking for.  Clear, obvious and intuitive, I even managed to figure out how to extract a sound track from an existing video on YouTube and save it as an MP3 possibly not entirely legally.  And now I have seven minutes worth of video to tout around a few primary schools over the next week or so, and hopefully recruit this year’s new crop of Scouts. 

Sealed with a Kiss

Rubber stamp

The surest sign that you are inextricably acculturated in Argentina?  You have a stamp with your name on it! 

I had to get this made in order to complete the paperwork for the health-care people who might agree to pay me.  Every time I see it it makes me giggle. 

I have yet to understand the fascination with rubber stamps here.  I used to think it was about ensuring the genuine-ness of the signature, until I took my kids to the doctor to complete their school medical papers.  He filled in the form and forgot to stamp and sign it.  So the next day I went back to the clinic and asked if he was there.  Don’t worry, said the receptionist, I can stamp that for you.  She opened a drawer to reveal an array of stamps with the name of probably every single professional who has ever worked at the hospital.  She stamped the paper, and drew a squiggle over the top.  Which leaves me suspecting that the main reasons are probably not a lot more sophisticated than self-importance and looking nice.  Mine is a self-inking variety, and it makes a satisfying ka-chunk sound.

My paperwork went in on Monday, and there is a big meeting that I’m not invited to on Thursday.  After which I should know my fate, or hopefully at least be a bit closer, depending on how many more pieces of paper and rubber stamps they ask for.  Ka-chunk, ka-chunk, ka-chunk…

Self employed… autistic… bunny

easily-distracted bunny

I love this.  Sadly I couldn’t manage to credit it to anyone because it’s in too many places so I can’t figure out which is the author.  I found it online this week when I was messing around in a search engine, supposedly looking for something else… Ho hum!

Hey but guess what?  I have a job.  Or I might have.  The late night phone call went “Are you a monotributista?” (that means am I registered as self employed).  To which I said yes.  And she said “Oh, good, I knew you would help me”.   This is a family who I met over the summer, who have a six year old on the autistic spectrum, who happened to be attending the same mainstream summer scheme where I was supporting another six year old also on the autistic spectrum.  We all got on fine and exchanged details at the end, and went our separate ways. 

Now they need a one to one support worker for their kid in mainstream school.  They thought they were all set up for this year but the system has failed them badly. meaning that at the moment the little boy is only actually receiving two hours support once a week.  So parents have gone to war and I have a job. 

I am thrilled to bits.  This year I was determined that I would find a job that fits my skills, and the last few weeks I have been door knocking, networking, talking, Facebook posting, and wallpapering the city with my CV.  Two of my acquaintances here were also posting their CV around after similar jobs.  They both got jobs in a week, despite neither of them having any work experience in the field.  I didn’t get an interview.  When I idly wondered why that might be, one of them mentioned prejudice and discrimination.  A few days later one of them came knocking on my door asking for my ideas on what they might do with the kid that they are supposed to be supporting.  The irony was not lost on me.  So the fact that now this family has sought me out is welcome boost to my frame of mind. 

The bit that isn’t certain is whether their medical scheme will agree to fund me.  Technically they should.  But that doesn’t mean they will.  Or not without a protracted battle.  At the moment we are gathering paperwork to comply with the predictably long list of bureaucratic requirements.  I hope to be able to present my side complete on Monday, after the last couple of days hard graft collecting stamps and photocopies.  And then we’ll see what the health providers will do.  Calling on any prayer warriors out there… thanks! 

Thinking is officially banned

Way back in the mists of 2012 I was stuck behind a slow lorry on a trunk road, so I pulled slightly across my lane in order to see what was happening in front of it, and then I pulled back in again. 

Two minutes later I was pulled over by the police and accused of illegal overtaking.  I said that I didn’t overtake, I wasn’t accelerating, I wasn’t indicating, and indeed if further proof were required, I was still behind the lorry!  The police officer said “Ah, but you were thinking of overtaking”, and he gave me the ticket.  So I went to the driver and vehicle office and appealed the ticket on the grounds that I wasn’t overtaking and that as far as I was aware, thinking is not yet illegal in Argentina. 

That was 2012 and I never heard anything of it again.  Until a few days ago when I got a phone call to say that I owed lot of money from an unpaid fine and that if this money wasn’t paid by two days before the phone call then I was going to be taken to court.  So I asked for more details of the supposed fine, and suggested that it also might have been more useful to have phone me before rather than after the cut-off date.  And she said she didn’t know any more (reading off the script in front of her) and that I should go to Rentas (provincial government office). 

The next day I went to Rentas.  Rentas is a typical government establishment, housing a bewildering selection of bureaucratic services.  I took a number and waited for a couple of hours until my turn came up.  The lady at Rentas confirmed that the fine was indeed related to the 2012 incident, which would suggest that my appeal had been refused, but unfortunately she didn’t have any further details, and for those I would have to go to Godoy, which is the driver and vehicle office where I had made my 2012 appeal on the other side of town.  Since government services only work in the mornings, and since I had already spent the morning at Rentas, I had to wait till the next day for Godoy to open. 

The next day I went to Godoy, which is similar to Rentas in that I took a number and sat and waited.  The man in Godoy informed me that my 2012 appeal had been refused.  So now we know that thinking has been banned in Argentina.  He had no idea why my appeal had been refused since there was no written explanation, just the word “negated”.  There was a pleasing coherence about the whole thing; in order to confirm that thinking has been banned, the judge would also need to be consistent in the way that they made their decision; such as might have been produced by a random action such as tossing a coin.  So with that cheerful thought, when the man asked if I wanted to offer a new appeal but I decided that I was happy to understand that thinking is now illegal in Argentina.  And I had already wasted enough time on this. 

Fortunately the fine was by now so old that the Province of Cordoba are offering a hefty discount to encourage people to pay old debts, so they took off all the interests and charges, and left me with the same number as the original fine, now worth significantly less owing to three years of 40% inflation.  Which if you ever wanted a way of encouraging people not to pay their fines for years on end… but we’d better not explore that too deeply since thinking is now banned. 

The man in Godoy told me that I could pay the fine by card at Rentas.  So the next day I went back to Rentas, took a number blah blah blah.  At lunch time when my turn came up, the lady said, you can only pay by card.  And I said that’s what I intend to do.  And she said, but the system is down, so you’ll need to come back. 

So the next day I went back to Rentas, etc etc.  And the lady said, ah but your fine has had the Provincial discount applied to it, so we can’t deal with that here, you’ll need to go to the Banco de Cordoba, provincial bank.  And they’ll be shut by now, so you’ll need to go there tomorrow, but the bill that you have here has a cut-off date of today, so you’ll need to come here early tomorrow, in order that we can print you a new bill with a new date and be in time to get to the bank before it closes. 

So the next day I went to Rentas, and then the bank, and now we all know that thinking has been banned. 

The academic year started last Monday.  True to form, schools closed again on Tuesday.  Usually that’s for the teachers’ strikes which are scheduled for the start of most academic years.  This year it was because it was raining.  They decided that they were going to shut for the whole of the rest of the week owing to rain.  Except that on Wednesday it wasn’t raining, and on Thursday they opened again, possibly owing to the complaints from many parents who hadn’t yet heard that thinking has been banned, or were possibly just looking forward to their kids being somewhere else after the long summer.  So hopefully this week we might even manage five days of classes. 

The great exodus

Here are a bunch of photos from our latest trip to Miramar last week.  We lost the first day, owing to flooding which made it impossible to get out of San Francisco, and in any case we found out later that both of the routes into Miramar were also blocked with water.  It was still pretty grey when we eventually decided to go for it, so we threw the camping stuff into the car, with every intention of finding ourselves a cabin or a chalet or anything more substantial than a tent.  What we hadn’t realised was that Joni had set his heart on sleeping in his tent.  So we camped.  Luckily the weather took pity on us, and although we didn’t see the sun for three days, it didn’t quite rain either. 

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The owls were amazing, and unusually this one even sat still and looked quizzically at me as I pointed my camera at it…

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Straited heron, more camera-shy than the owls, but still managed a couple of shots…

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The pink dots towards the back of this one are spoonbills, a first for me…

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Collectively described as a Mexican wave of Plovers?

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Now here we are back in the city and today is the first day of a different kind of exodus; the great return to school after three months of summer.  I took the first candidate to school at 7.30, the next to a different school at 08.00 and the third to the pre-school department at 10.00.  The good news is that even the two who thought they would rather not have gone, came home in positive frames of mind having had a good day, so hopefully they might feel a bit more encouraged to get out of bed tomorrow.  When the dust settles, starting times will be at 07.30, 08.00 and 09.00 respectively, but the earlier two will take themselves on bicycles, so eventually I might even be able to do something more useful with myself than tromboning around town. 

Mission Strategy

“It’s that time of year, when Spring is in the air… “  (Spitting Image song, and it’s funny how March still feels like spring to me despite having lived in the southern hemisphere for the last decade), when we have to think about filing in the dreaded annual review form and trying to define goals and strategies for the year ahead.  I instinctively react against writing strategies.  Then I ask, why would having a plan be a bad plan?  Especially if the alternative is no plan.  And then I realise that my problem isn’t with having a strategy, but that I want to distance myself from ideas that I have perceived from (let’s set up a straw man situation here and call it) “a  certain strand of commuter belt churches” around what it means to be strategic in mission. 

In my church of straw men, there are two main models of mission strategy.  The first is sometimes referred to as “mission mobilization”, and it involves gathering lots of Christians together to talk about mission.  This model appears to measure its success according to air-miles travelled, countries visited, and number of Christians attending each conference.   I confess I find this model quite difficult to take seriously, so I expect I must be missing something because lots of people seem to have bought into it.  My key question would be how much mission actually happens as a direct result of such events?  This is probably the mission equivalent of the question about how many of the people who went forward at the old Billy Graham rallies were still in churches five years later?  Ah yes, but wouldn’t it all have been worth it just for one?  How about the parable of the shepherd?  True, except that the shepherd had only lost one sheep, and he dedicated all his energy to finding the sheep, not to putting on a show for those which weren’t lost.  In a situation with lots and lots of missing sheep, might not a few more be rescued by putting scarce resources to less self indulgent and more imaginative use?

The second model is more compelling in that it does include doing some mission.  This model is often couched in language of “being strategic”, particularly referring to targeting “key” or “strategic” others.  It frequently involves variations on a theme of sending people from location A, to identify “key” people in location B, to train them to go and “do” mission in location C.  As models go it has practical merit.  We start to see developing ideas of sustainability, ability to be replicated, and particularly how it might be useful where people from location B are more welcome in location C than those from location A – Latin Americans versus Europeans going into north Africa for example.  

However, if we start at the top, because the top is also where the model starts; control is seated within location A.  Money comes from location A, and the people sent from location A recognise the “key” people of location B according to an image of that which is valued in location A; usually qualified, connected, articulate, educated people who are already doing well in both secular and religious contexts.  These “key” people are then given access to training and funding in order to replicate themselves in “mission”. 

In this model the teaching and modelling contradict each other.  The teaching says “Jesus went to the people on the margins”, “Jesus sought out the people who society forgot”, “Go and do thou likewise”.  But the location A people doing the teaching are usually themselves establishment types who have sought out establishment candidates from location B.  So, when location B people finally make it to location C, which will they apply; the teaching or the practice?  Will they roll up their sleeves and get grimy, or will they make friends with a bunch of people like themselves and tell them to go look out for the poor? 

This second model reminds me a lot of the economic policy embraced by the UK national government back in the 1980’s.  Known as “trickle down”, the idea was that providing tax cuts to the richest was somehow going to put money into the hands of the neediest.  Admitting the failure of this policy was one of Margaret Thatcher’s biggest climb downs.  So it is something of a wonder some thirty years later that mission strategists still manage to act as though targeting the well connected would be the best route to put the gospel into the domain of those on the margins.  I suspect that the main reasons for the continued popularity of this model could be quick results and good photos, both of which are helpful for ensuring continued funding – power resides in location A remember.  It is quicker and more photogenic to design a trajectory into ministry for someone already well connected then for someone with whom our early goals might include finding them sober and persuading them not to drop fag-ends on the lawn. 

And those two models are I suspect the reasons why many (most?) mission organisations are essentially monocultures, even including those organisations whose members come from different passport issuing states.  And also why so much of what is referred to as “mission” in our current local context turns out to be little other than pastors replicating caricatures of Christian tourism and serial conference attendance which they have seen modelled (it’s Tuesday, must be Holland). 

So, having anathematised a straw man in nine hundred words, it would be fair challenge to ask if I have any alternative with which to replace him.  And, as it happens, I do.  But it is a work in progress, so if I can ask you to bear with me.  The model of mission that I am currently thinking about is Hosea and Gomer.  Yes, and?  Er, that’s it; Hosea and Gomer, a model for mission strategy. 

OK, still bearing with me, how are we going to unpack this? And where are we going from here?  Here is my raw thinking. 

Hosea was the guy in the Old Testament minor prophets who God told to take an unfaithful woman (possibly a prostitute) as his wife, and then to take her back again when she was unfaithful. 

First of all, I am probably not suggesting that folk should marry a prostitute in order to operate in mission.  This story works for me on several different levels.  In the first instance it was initiated by God.  God told Hosea.  If I am starting to plan the year with “my goals” then I am in danger of forgetting that mission is God’s mission and he will do what he will do.  Of course that gives us a whole bunch of other issues (in addition to the one about what sort of God asks someone to take a prostitute for a wife), like how do I know what God wants from me, especially when he doesn’t often reveal his plans, and particularly not a whole year in advance because I’m trying to fill in my annual review form. 

Then it works as act of inclusion towards Gomer.  Despite her promiscuity Hosea takes her as his wife, and then takes her back as his wife. 

Then it works as a challenge to those around who already considered themselves to be God’s people.  In the book of Hosea this challenge is made particularly explicit by God’s spoken prophecy against Israel being given in parallel with the acted story. 

Then it works to demonstrate something of God and his character to the wider watching world; God is sovereign and his will will be done. 

And finally it reveals something of God to Hosea himself, both as protagonist of the story and recipient of God’s speech-action.

So we have a multi-layered model; God initiates, an act of inclusion and growing for the direct recipients of the action, which serves as a challenge to the church, and demonstrates God’s character to the wider world.  Jesus himself also demonstrated these same layers in many contexts, most of all in the healing miracles, but also in other acts of inclusion like the Samaritan woman at the well, and he also made the same model explicit in his teaching, particularly in the parables. 

And if so, so what?  Well I think we have ourselves the beginnings of a model of mission something close to what Lesslie Newbiggin would have referred to as “acted parables for the kingdom” (don’t ask me for a reference he wrote a lot of books!). 

And therefore?  I wouldn’t want to be so arrogant as to suggest that we are very often close the centre of God’s will, but I do believe that quite a lot of the things that have happened over our last few years here have been about God’s acted parables which He has put across our way, and which we could never in a million years have imagined in advance.  Take an ex-prisoner into your home, along with his insanely jealous wife, and demonstrate what it means to shop, cook, clean and provide for someone who hates your guts for no better reason than that you also have two X chromosomes.  That was a few years ago, and despite it all, we are all good friends, and the prison authorities are also quoted as saying that the main reason for ex-prisoner’s continued success is nothing to do with any rehabilitation that happened in the prison, but that he “found religion” (sic.).  This year we are finding out about parenting a Teen who has no functional memory of what it means to live in a house.  Steps of progress so far have included details such as remembering to shut the fridge after you, and it is probably going to be a long time before we can safely leave any valuables around.  Now define any of that in four numerically measurable “Smart” goals on a piece of paper with a year’s notice… especially given that a year ago we had only recently met Teen and certainly had no plans to foster her!   

Now back to that review form.  How might I define my goals for 2015 in approximately two centimetres of white page?  “Be prepared for whatever bonkers schemes God might put in our path this year”?  And even though at the end of the year we almost definitely won’t be able to say “can we count it?” we are still hoping that some good people like you will want to come along and share the adventure anyway. 

Heart-stopping moments

I opened the bedroom door and Danny scuttled in in front of me.  At that exact moment I noticed the scorpion scuttling across the bedroom towards Danny’s bare feet.  I squeaked an expletive.  They both ignored me and continued along their converging trajectories.  At the point of intersection Danny’s foot came down, and you couldn’t have inserted a fag paper between little boy and toxic beast.  But they didn’t touch. 

This is the moment where you realise the fallacy of statistics.  Yes, it is true that alacran (our local scorpion species) stings are rarely fatal.  But if you’re the one it happened to, then as far as you’re concerned it happened to you one hundred per cent.  This time whether by fate or divine intervention, providence was a hundred per cent on our side, and once my heart started beating again, we all lived to tell the tale.  Apart from the scorpion which was dispatched with a swift biff with a training shoe.  An Englishman’s home is his castle after all and having venomous creatures roaming around it is just not cricket, old chap.